A marriage proposal to me says I choose you, for life. You’re my person. Its making a choice to choose me. For no other reason. Its security in the love and strength together. A team – as long as we both shall live. And every day that you don’t ask, I hang in the unknown. Doubt creeps in. Because i know my choice. Its you. I’ve known this for a long time. I’m just waiting for you to catch up.
Until that time my heart breaks. You’re breaking my heart…each day that comes alongside another….when you don’t ask. For you to know that. To look inside – deep to my soul. I am lost. I feel insecure. I feel inept/without. A bit defaulted, not a choice. Not your choice. What will it take? I don’t think there will ever be a right time. That time has past. Instead I sit here, a little lost and broken. Alone in my thoughts to be lost in this feeling. Its not a very nice place to be. Hurting. Right now, to be me.
I’m trying to not put walls up. I’m starting to be the keeper of my own happiness. But gosh fuck its really hard. I have given over so many years of my love to one other. While he feels it is enough. He loves me enough. I always felt it was on this journey to so much more. I am trying again to see the beauty in life. In others, in my surrounds. I am thankful each day for my gorgeous family, friends and for him.
I have a roof over my head. I have whatever food I desire. I can exercise and move my body most any way I like and I do work that enriches and challenges me. So much to be grateful for. Practicing gratitude each day. But I still feel a little heartbroken. A little bereft. When I’m still, it creeps in. It permeates much of what I do. The talk goes there so much with everybody. It strains me, it exhausts me. It brings me to tears more than I’d care to admit. Some of my close ones know this despair, some have been there themselves. Nobody really talks about it until they have passed that point in their life. Not until I reach out for help. Some wise words of support: “Tell him. What you want is just a valid and important too. Tell him you love him and he is breaking your heart. He probably doesn’t realise, you know how boys can be. He loves you and would likely hate that you were feeling this way”
And this is where I am left. Still so alone in these emotions. Doubting myself. Am I overreacting? Am I impatient? Should I carry on in hope? Not say another word? Continue to mentally unravel inside. Would I do this, perhaps I loose the person and spark of me. Would the man I love even want that version as a wife.
I know in my heart that is not the correct way forward. But faking it until you make it is such hard work. I cannot pretend any longer around strangers. Their well meaning questions and curiosity. Or extended family who just want to pass along their own experienced life joys to others, like us.
Some time ago we discussed our ideas about future, our future together. Perhaps we didn’t check in on that enough. Perhaps we got caught up in smaller goals and other peoples lives and joys. I thought this was time we were having fun. I thought our time to shine was not too far away. That was almost 2 years ago. Then it started to get hard.
I started imagining life, futures. I thought I’d like to enjoy the wedding process. I started secret Pinterest pages, I looked in jewellery stores I tried to find something that was me.
I didn’t want to miss out. I wanted to be able to take my time. To plan, to enjoy. I am patient, generally. I genuinely think good things can come to those who wait and I can make those good things come to me, be it creating lovely adventures or turning a house into a home.
But I wait for this, and I break.
My self esteem has taken a hit. I feel the most wrecked as ever. I dont even think Id be able to feel the real joy if it did happen. To want to share it with the work and all my loved ones. I’m too afraid. Too afraid to loose it. That i don’t deserve it.
That I’m not your choice.
Trove & Treasure 